Legally, “separation” starts when one person tells the other the relationship has finished. Realistically, it takes time, effort and money before a person can move out. This leaves people living “separately but under one roof”. It can be painful, feeling stuck in a house with someone you no longer want to live with. Thankfully, there are things you could do to move towards independence. Some of these things are also useful to challenge a suggestion from one person later on that you had not actually separated – for example, if it benefits one person to say you are still in a relationship.

Here are some ideas – hopefully you can find a few that work for you:

– Move into separate bedrooms.

– Tell friends and family that you’re no longer together. This can be hard one but also an important one.

– Use separate bank accounts. Perhaps keep a joint account for shared costs, like mortgage/rent and bills.

– Limit or stop intimacy and using ‘pet names’ – both privately and publicly.
– Limit or stop attending public functions together.
– Consider not cooking and cleaning for each other.
– Consider not exchanging gifts for birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries and Valentine’s Day.

– Find out if you are eligible for Centrelink payments. People can still be eligible for Single Parent Payments while living separately under one roof.
– Declare to Centrelink, the Australian Taxation Office or Immigration that you no longer have a partner.

– Update your Will, Power of Attorney, superannuation and life insurance – perhaps to remove your ex from any benefits or control.

– Speak to a lawyer about how you move forward. I’m not saying that to get business. I’m saying it because I hear of people who have put themselves through a rough time longer than they needed to because they didn’t realise there was another option. One conversation can replace pain and confusion with direction and empowerment.